Sporty

Runs: Yes Sporty Value: Mid

2006 Chrysler Crossfire – $2,850

No Comments

The Luxury Sports Car for People Who Hate Themselves

The Chrysler Crossfire is what happens when a Mercedes SLK and a PT Cruiser have an unholy love child—except instead of inheriting the Mercedes’ refinement or the PT Cruiser’s… well, anything of value, it just got weird proportions, Chrysler-grade interior plastics, and a back end that looks like it was inflated with a bicycle pump.

This particular example has been slow-roasting in a forest of pine needles, because nothing says “well cared for” like parking your car where squirrels can claim squatter’s rights. The seller claims it “just needs a wax and wash”, which is an interesting way to describe a car that looks like it’s one strong gust of wind away from the bumper detaching itself. The headlights have entered the frosted privacy glass stage of neglect, and that suspension? Either it’s got an aggressive stance, or it’s been compressing under its own disappointment.

Buy Rating: Only if you want to experience the thrill of Mercedes engineering with all the charm of Chrysler’s bankruptcy era. At $2,850, it’s not a great deal, but at least it’s not a Sebring.

Monument, CA

https://www.facebook.com/share/16AhGFAxHq/

Runs: Nah Sporty Value: Dregs

2009 Pontiac G5 – $3,750

No Comments

Pre-Gutted for Your 24 Hours of Lemons DNF

This Pontiac G5 has been thoroughly violated in the name of budget racing, and now the seller wants you to pay nearly four grand for the privilege of inheriting their unfinished disaster. With “four nights on the whole car,” it’s already seen more walls than a Roomba, and it “needs a transmission but will come with one,” meaning you’re not just buying a car—you’re buying a weekend of swearing and busted knuckles just to get this thing moving again.

The racing harness is expired, which is perfect, because that matches the rest of the car’s usefulness. The hood-mounted spare tire is a nice touch, adding both aerodynamic instability and the unmistakable scent of desperation. This is the kind of car that gets black-flagged at 24 Hours of Lemons before it even finishes tech inspection, assuming it even makes it there without falling off the trailer.

Buy Rating: Absolutely not. For $3,750, you could buy a running beater, gut it yourself, and still have enough left over for beer and bribes to the Lemons judges. If you pay asking price for this, you deserve to be laughed out of the paddock.

McCook, NE

https://www.facebook.com/share/1XcYZ2tHio/

Runs: Yes Sporty Value: Mid

2004 Mazda Miata – $2,500

2 Comments

30K Miles of Mystery and Misery

On paper, this looks like a dream find—a low-mileage NB Miata with only 30K miles. In reality? It’s a beaten-up, sun-fried husk of a car that’s been through more hardship than a Craigslist landlord. The seller says it “needs a full overhaul body paint interior,” which is an optimistic way of saying this car looks like it was parked inside a volcano.

The top has holes, the interior is “okay” (which is Craigslist for disgusting), and tags are owed—so be prepared to pay extra just to get this thing legal. Oh, and it has lien sale paperwork, which is the red flag equivalent of a marching band at full volume.

Buy Rating: A tempting deal, but approach with extreme caution. Running NB Miatas with clean titles and decent condition go for $5,000–$8,000, meaning this one is either a steal or a money pit cleverly disguised as a roadster.

Costa Mesa, CA

https://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/cto/d/costa-mesa-2004-mazda-miata-speed/7825957725.html